LOUISVILLE, KY – An unauthorized peek at KFC’s top-secret playbook for dealing with potential crises has exposed a truly fowl scenario: one in which Colonel Sanders – zombified and hungering for cranium cuisine – wreaks havoc upon the company by feasting on the brains of unsuspecting KFC employees. KFC has elected to unveil their contingency plans for dealing with this eerie prospect in response to the shocking revelation and wave of public panic.
The document, humorously titled “The Kentucky Fried Catastrophe,” opens with a thrilling account of Zombie Sanders rising from his eternal rest, compelled by an insatiable appetite for grey matter. But rest assured, KFC fans – the company has concocted a poultry-proof strategy for dealing with their undead founder-turned-cannibal. And you’ll wish you had your own zombie apocalypse survival kit by the time this gritty tale unfolds.
The emergency response team springs into action as the crisis unfolds, with Zombie Sanders lurching toward an unsuspecting KFC crew member. Equipped with chicken grease-infused weaponry and a platter of distractions, including mashed potatoes, biscuits, and a life-like bust sculpted from coleslaw, the team is prepared to take on their brain-craving founder and save their comrades.
Moreover, to avoid future calamities, KFC’s research and development department is working tirelessly on a foolproof clone of the Colonel, but with a full-proof immunization against zombie-ism, guaranteeing that the fast-food chain will forever be protected from the original Colonel’s grisly appetites.
As mitigating measures, KFC has thoughtfully developed ‘The Sanders Sanctuary,’ an interactive employee training initiative combining Virtual Reality simulations and ‘Zomb-ercise’ – a high-intensity aerobic program that requires staff to practice out-running and evading hordes of snack-hunting zombies.
But what takes the cake – or should we say, fried chicken – is the company’s decision to collaborate with esteemed neuroscientists at the Fried Chicken Brain Research Institute (FCBRI). This partnership aims to develop a new menu item called the “Brain Bucket:” a container filled with faux brains, concocted using tofu and the Colonel’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, intended to satiate Zombie Sanders’ cravings.
In a recent press conference, KFC’s Chief Hysteria Officer spoke candidly about their unorthodox strategy: “At KFC, we prioritize the safety, wellbeing, and intestinal integrity of our employees above all else. These contingency plans are a testament to our commitment to safeguarding our team members from the potentially messy complications of a zombified, famished Colonel Sanders.“
Of course, this spine-chilling scenario is pure speculation. However, it is comforting to know that KFC’s strategic planning team leaves no stone unturned – or crypt disturbed – as they diligently prepare for even the most improbable turn of events. While we hope that Colonel Sanders remains peacefully at rest, the fast food world stands ready, its secret blend of 11 herbs and spices cocked and loaded.
