Straight from the grease-slicked heart of California, a travesty is unfolding. In-N-Out Burger, the fast food joint worshipped for its secret sauce and animal-style shenanigans, has just dropped a bombshell. In a move that’s left the community of bathroom trysters reeling, the company has announced a new policy: no more fucking in the bathrooms.
In a statement that’s left many feeling fucked over, the company declared, “We’re all about the Double-Doubles, not the double beds. Effective immediately, our restrooms are for one thing and one thing only: taking a shit or a piss.“
The news has been met with shock, disbelief, and a healthy dose of “what the fuck?” For many, the In-N-Out restroom was more than just a place to drop a deuce after a hefty meal. It was a sanctuary, a place of intimacy amidst the chaos of the fast-food world.
“I just can’t believe it,” said long-time customer and self-proclaimed ‘restroom Romeo’, Richard ‘Dick’ Johnson. “Where else can you find love in a place that smells faintly of fries and disinfectant?“
The announcement has sparked protests, with pissed-off customers using social media to voice their outrage. The hashtag #LetUsFuck has started trending, with many sharing their stories of restroom rumpy-pumpy.
In-N-Out Burger, however, remains as unmoved as a constipated customer. “We’re a family establishment,” said spokesperson Jack Hughes. “And while we appreciate the… passion of our customers, we believe there are better places to express that passion. Like, literally fucking anywhere else.“
For the restroom Romeos and Juliets out there, you’ll have to find another place to share your animal-style love. Or, you know, just get a fucking room.