When we challenged the renowned musician Mike Portnoy to an eating contest, we expected a friendly competition. But what we got was something else entirely.
Portnoy seemed to have other plans in mind when he entered the contest. Instead of bringing his A-game, he decided to bring some extra snacks with him, stashed away under the table.
We confronted him about his outrageous cheating tactics when we caught wind. His reply? “Hey, I’m a drummer, not an eater!“
It’s a good thing we caught him red-handed because we would have been in for a world of pain if we didn’t. Not only did he bring snacks to the table, but he also had a hidden stash of energy drinks tucked away in his pocket. Talk about cheating!
The damage he caused didn’t end there. After the contest, we discovered he had been filling his mouth with food behind our backs while we were distracted. We were horrified.
For such a well-respected drummer, Portnoy’s cheating makes him look like a real piece of shit. It’s 2023. The drummer excuse is no longer valid. Wait, is Mike eating again? What the fuck? We get it, he works out because he is a drummer, but we are no weaklings.
It’s time for Portnoy to step up his game and practice some real sportsmanship. Otherwise, we will have no choice but to ban him from future eating contests.
Let this be a lesson to all drummers reading: if you enter an eating competition, play fair or don’t play at all.