Recently ousted from Fox News, Tucker Carlson took his professional rage machine to the Twittersphere by launching his own streaming show. In a shocking and ballsy move, the inaugural episode featured Carlson embroiled in an unhinged debate with a Starbucks barista over the government’s sinister connections to the artificial sweetener aspartame.
The former cable news host, now unshackled from the constraints of mainstream media, began his new online venture by live-streaming from a Starbucks, where he hoped to expose the deep state’s plot to manipulate the masses via artificially sweetened lattes.
Carlson wasted no time confronting the innocent barista, 19-year-old Chaz, who was trying to make a living while paying off his student loans. Cameras rolling, Tucker demanded answers about the suspicious packet of Equal on the counter, which he believed was a clear sign of government meddling in the coffee industry.
“Is Starbucks in cahoots with the FDA, the CIA, and the Illuminati to distribute mind-controlling aspartame to the masses?” he bellowed, his face turning a shade of red that can only be described as apocalyptic.
Chaz, who had no idea who the hell Tucker Carlson was, replied, baffled, “Dude, it’s just a sweetener.“
But Tucker wasn’t satisfied, and he spent the next 45 minutes of his debut Twitter show ranting about the alleged conspiracy, citing “evidence” such as secret meetings between George Soros and the CEO of NutraSweet and a supposed plot by the Clintons to use aspartame as a weapon against their enemies.
As the live-streamed tirade continued, confused and bemused Twitter users flooded the comments with questions, memes, and sarcastic remarks. Some praised Tucker for his brave foray into social media, while others simply wondered if he’d finally lost his fucking mind.
Ultimately, Tucker’s crusade against aspartame failed to convince Chaz or his growing Twitter audience. With a heavy heart, he ordered his Grande, half-caff, low-fat, no-whip, extra-frothy, caramel macchiato with a sprinkle of nutmeg, vowing to continue his quest for the truth on his new platform.
As for Chaz, he’s now considering a career change – anything to avoid another encounter with a caffeine-fueled conspiracy theorist. Who knows, maybe he’ll start his own Twitter show to discuss the real dangers facing society: batshit crazy former cable news hosts.
