Deep in the Gas-Less Hole of America – In a desperate attempt to counter the fuel crisis, noted musician and frontman of Faith No More, Mike Patton, has been caught red-handed siphoning gasoline from parked vehicles in the name of economic equality and bringing The Man Down. The hardcore rocker’s personal initiative, dubbed “Project Gas-it-Forward,” is reportedly well on its way to restoring what was once the land of milk, honey, and infinite gas.
Onlookers first spotted Patton late Tuesday evening, sporting a finely fashioned hose and a mishmash of gas containers, prying open the gas tank of a nearby minivan. With surgical precision and a palpable grace, the singer-songwriter began sucking on the hose to extract the sweet lifeblood of America’s travelling pastimes.
“Gas companies have us all over a barrel… or should I say, a gas tank?” scoffed Patton in between siphoning sessions. “This isn’t just a crisis – it’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, and I’m the renegade hero that’s going to cut the red wire before we all go up in flames.“
The notorious Patton is nothing if not a visionary, his rockstar lifestyle serving as a front for his incredible mechanical talents. Sources have reported that he has singlehandedly converted his tour bus into a fully operational multi-gas-vehicle refilling station, complete with a custom-built siphoning app on his phone to facilitate gas donation. Some hailed this app as the “Uber for desperate drivers”, while others cannot help but see the stark resemblance to an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Grift” simulation game.
When asked about the legality of his actions, Patton shrugged it off with a nonchalant smirk. “It’s not about the rules, man. It’s about taking the power back and making a societal change,” he proclaimed, giving an approving nod to the black market gas stations, which have quickly become a staple of the Great Gas Harvest.
Ironically, the news has made weary drivers even more buoyant, with many taking to social media to share their thoughts on what they’ve dubbed “The Gas Crusader.” Car owners are desperate to benefit from Patton’s generous – if not technically fraudulent – efforts and have even left him handwritten thank-you notes along with their gas caps wide open in hopes of summoning the edgy mechanic messiah.
Las Vegas driver, Stacey Sullivan, gushed, “I am such a fan. I mean, who doesn’t love a rebel with a cause? It’s like he’s stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. But, like, not the homeless guy around the corner selling oranges… but, eh, you get my drift.“
As the sun set on yet another successful day of gas vigilante-ism, Mike Patton looked out over the cityscape, his treasure trove of gas canisters all but overflowing. With a wistful sigh, he muttered, “This is just the beginning of the Great Gas Redistribution. Soon, they’ll all learn that what goes around, comes around… and that fuel is a right, not a privilege. Together – well, mostly me – we’ll drive right into the sunrise of a new, gas-filled era.“
Here, then, stands Mike Patton, Gas Liberator – empowered, hose-slapped revolutionary – and perhaps, the accidental savior we never even knew we needed.
