In a stunning turn of events, renowned filmmaker James Cameron has been found guilty of war crimes against cinema. Sources report that Cameron, the man behind such cinematic masterpieces as Avatar and Titanic, has been charged with crimes against film including the destruction of the fourth wall, the wrongful use of 3D technology, and the complete disregard of the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule.
The trial, which began this morning, has been nothing short of a spectacle, with the prosecution presenting a plethora of evidence against the acclaimed filmmaker. Witnesses described him as a ‘tyrant’ and a ‘madman’, recounting tales of his inflexible demands and disregard for the basic tenets of filmmaking.
The jury ultimately found Cameron guilty on all charges, citing his overuse of special effects, confusing plotlines, and a complete disregard for the art of cinema as proof of his guilt.
The judge, in handing down his sentence, said, “Mr. Cameron, it is with great sorrow that I find you guilty of these crimes against cinema. Your work has violated the principles of storytelling and has brought shame upon the film industry as a whole. As such, your sentence is to avoid the use of 3D, special effects, and overlong plotlines in your future films. You are hereby barred from creating any more movies until you have atoned for your sins against the silver screen.”
Cameron, who was visibly shaken by the verdict, was allowed to keep his Oscar statues as a reminder of his past accomplishments. He is expected to serve his sentence in full, though he has already begun work on his next project, a one-hour documentary about the life of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
