Seattle, WA: Microsoft mogul and technology soothsayer Bill Gates has done it again – and this time, it’s a doozy. In an epic display of human fallibility, Gates has unwittingly released the vaccine for a pandemic virus that he hadn’t even let out of the bag yet. Talk about putting the cart before the horse!
Just when overworked conspiratorial theorists were catching their breath from the COVID-19 whirlwind (which had Gates’ name all over it), the billionaire philanthropist decided it would be a good idea to unleash his latest creation a little early. The working title? Pandemic 2.0: Electric Boogaloo.
Sources from very deep within the bowels of the Gates Foundation have reported that the accidental mishap occurred during a secret meeting of billionaires known as “The Legion of Moneybags.” Held in an undisclosed lair hidden beneath a Seattle Starbucks, this cabal of exceedingly rich individuals was creating a vaccine for a virus which they tentatively named “Gatesgone”. During an intense round of charades (rumors suggest the theme was ‘Evil Plots and the Men Who Hatched Them’), Gates bumped into a big red button labelled “Do not touch”, which caused the vaccine to disperse into the atmosphere via a series of high-powered fans.
The fallout from the cataclysmic gaffe has sent ripples around the globe, with people not only receiving a free, non-consensual vaccine but also acquiring an inexplicable superpower of not catching a cold. Not content with injecting unsuspecting citizens with a life-saving vaccination, Gates has now transformed the world into a sad and dreary place where flat earthers and moon landing deniers are left scratching their heads and searching for a new conspiracy to wrap their feeble minds around.
In an attempt to save face, Gates is reportedly hard at work in his underground lair – a world where discarded computer mice and deleted emails form the walls, floor, and ceiling – hurriedly devising a plan to engineer his Pandemic 2.0: Electric Boogaloo virus so that it’s immune to the premature vaccine that’s now coursing through everyone’s veins.
While we ordinary folks watch the soap opera of the billionaire class unfold, one has to wonder if this is all part of a bigger plot, perhaps by that other technological overlord, Elon Musk, to assert his dominance over Gates by sending him a lifetime supply of Tesla-branded hand sanitizer. Only time will tell.
For now, it seems the world has caught on to Gates’ machinations a little too soon, leaving him with the unenviable task of mopping up the remnants of a viral plot gone awry.
