Well, this sucks. The rare animal that secretes the special dough used in Subway’s beloved cookies has gone extinct. The animal, known as the “Doughpaca,” was found only in the remote mountains of South America and was the only known source of the unique dough used in Subway’s cookies, known for its unique ability to produce dough that was both delicious and affordable.
“This is a huge loss for Subway and for the world of fast food,” said Subway spokesperson Sandy Breadman. “We’re devastated to learn that the Doughpaca is no more. It’s the end of an era.“
Subway has been using the secretions of the Doughpaca for over 30 years, and the company is now scrambling to find a new ingredient to use in their cookies.
“We’ve been experimenting with different alternatives, but so far, nothing has come close to the unique flavor and texture of the Doughpaca,” Breadman said.
In the wake of this loss, Subway has announced that they will be experimenting with three new alternatives to the secretor’s dough. The first is a genetically modified dough made from the enzymes of a rare tropical plant. The second is a dough made from crushed beetles, and the third is made from another rare animal believed to already to close to extinction.
Subway assures its loyal customers that they will continue to search for the perfect replacement for the Doughpaca. In the meantime, fans of Subway’s cookies can still enjoy the remaining stock of Doughpaca-secreting dough that was frozen and stored before the extinction of the animal.
Rest in peace, Doughpaca. You will be missed, but never forgotten, in our stomachs.