In a move that surprised no one, conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones announced his candidacy for President of the United States on Tuesday.
Speaking to a crowd of supporters (and a few confused tourists) outside of his Austin-based studio, Jones promised to “drain the swamp” and “take back our country from the deep state lizard people.”
“I may not have any political experience, but I’ve been fighting the New World Order for years,” said Jones, holding up a jar of what he claimed was “Hillary Clinton’s frozen blood.” “I’m the only candidate who knows the truth about 9/11, fluoride, and the real reason the moon landing was faked.“
Jones also promised to “build a wall around the country to keep out the chemtrails” and to “create a department of truth to combat fake news.”
When asked about his chances of winning the election, Jones confidently declared, “I’ve got insider information that the election is going to be rigged, but I’ll still win. Trust me.“
Some political analysts are skeptical of Jones’s campaign, with one commenting, “It’s one thing to spout conspiracy theories on the internet, it’s another thing to actually run the country. I think Jones may have finally taken the ‘crazy’ in ‘Make America Crazy Again’ a little too literally.“
Jones’s campaign slogan? “Jones 2024: Because why settle for fake news when you can have fake reality?”
