PORTLAND, Oregon – Just when you thought it was safe to toss out your dusty VCR, the once-mighty Blockbuster Video has risen like a phoenix from the ashes of the past, and they’re coming for your wallet. The former video rental giant has announced plans to collect on overdue return fees, with interest, from its glory days. Blockbuster’s unexpected resurgence has left millions of former customers shaking in their nostalgic boots as they dig through their closets and basements searching for long-lost VHS tapes and DVDs.
In a statement that has left the world in a state of collective jaw-drop, Blockbuster CEO John Antioco, thought to have been hiding since the company’s downfall, said: “We’ve waited long enough. It’s time to cash in on all those late fees and finally bring justice to our beloved blue and yellow empire. Your overdue copy of ‘The Lion King’ will now cost you a king’s ransom!“
As part of their diabolical plan, the company has reportedly hired highly skilled “Debt Enforcers,” tracking down former customers using their Blockbuster membership data, old receipts and your streaming subscription data. These enforcers will be showing up at doorsteps across the country, demanding payment for overdue rentals and leaving trembling debtors with only one option: to pay up or face the wrath of the Blockbuster empire.
But Blockbuster’s reign of terror doesn’t end there. The company has partnered with major streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime Video. Any former Blockbuster customers with outstanding fees will find their streaming accounts suspended until the debt is settled. This partnership marks a new chapter in the ongoing saga of Blockbuster’s quest for vengeance and serves as a chilling reminder that the past can, and will, come back to haunt you.
As panic spreads across the nation, the hashtag #BlockbusterDebt has begun trending on social media, with users sharing their stories of late-fee evasion and the lengths they’ll go to avoid Blockbuster’s grasp. One user tweeted, “I found a Blockbuster card in my attic, and now I live in constant fear. #BlockbusterDebt #IShouldveReturnedSpiceWorld.“
Blockbuster’s path of destruction is poised to leave no stone unturned, with even celebrity customers finding themselves in the crosshairs. Rumor has it that Leonardo DiCaprio, a known Blockbuster enthusiast, is currently being pursued a staggering $1.5 million in late fees for an unreturned copy of “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” While DiCaprio’s representatives have declined to comment, our sources report that he’s been spotted digging through his personal VHS collection in a desperate bid to avoid financial ruin.
In a world where the past is no longer safe, it’s time to face the reality that Blockbuster’s return is more than a nostalgic trip down memory lane. It’s a full-on financial apocalypse for those who once dared to defy the mighty blue and yellow empire. So, if you’re one of the millions of former Blockbuster customers with a dark secret lurking in the corner of your entertainment centre, it’s time to prepare for the reckoning. Because Blockbuster is back, and they’re not taking “I lost it” for an answer.
