NORWICH, UK – Just when the world believed it had reached peak suffering, Ed Sheeran, ginger-haired bard of the millennial age, has unleashed his latest musical monstrosity, “Eyes Closed.” This auditory assault on the senses has left listeners pondering whether humanity’s trials and tribulations might finally be coming to an end.
In a move that can only be described as a high-stakes game of Russian roulette with the public’s eardrums, Sheeran released the single without any prior warning. Survivors recount harrowing tales of stumbling upon the track during their otherwise innocent Spotify browsing sessions. Some have even reported spontaneous bursts of tears upon hearing the opening notes, though experts remain divided on whether this is due to emotional resonance or sheer terror.
Lyrically, “Eyes Closed” is a labyrinthine narrative of love, loss, and large quantities of hair product. Many have likened the experience of listening to the song as akin to navigating a particularly challenging obstacle course, except in this case, the prize for completion is a renewed appreciation for silence.
Pandora’s Box of musical cliches, “Eyes Closed” has managed to incorporate every trope known to mankind, with rumors that Sheeran may have actually summoned the spirit of Nickelback to help craft the chorus. Critics have been left speechless, as no mortal language possesses the appropriate descriptors for the hellscape that is this song.
The track has already skyrocketed to the top of the charts, causing some to question whether the Illuminati may, in fact, be alive and well, manipulating the masses through the nefarious machinations of popular music.
In an attempt to understand the phenomenon, we reached out to Dr. Selena Ampersand, a renowned musicologist and part-time DJ at the local YMCA. Her analysis of the situation was nothing short of chilling:
“The inexplicable success of ‘Eyes Closed’ is a testament to humanity’s innate desire for self-punishment. We are essentially masochists at heart, yearning for the sweet agony that only a ginger, guitar-strumming Brit can provide.“
As the public grapples with the existential crisis brought on by Sheeran’s latest musical onslaught, world leaders are reportedly considering the need for international sanctions against the artist. While some argue that a ban on Sheeran’s music would be a violation of free speech, others point out that desperate times call for desperate measures.
Only time will tell whether humanity will survive “Eyes Closed.” In the meantime, citizens are advised to prepare themselves for the inevitable day when Ed Sheeran’s dulcet tones replace the national anthem at sporting events and “Shape of You” is considered an acceptable first dance song at weddings. God help us all.