(Chicago, IL) – In a revelation that has shaken the music world to its very core, it has come to light that metal band Born of Osiris are, in fact, not descendants of the ancient Egyptian god Osiris. This earth-shattering discovery has left fans wondering if they can ever trust musicians again, or if everything they once believed is merely an elaborate ruse designed to sell albums and merchandise.
The band, known for its progressive metal sound and elaborate stage presence, has long capitalized on their supposed connection to Osiris, the god of the afterlife, the underworld, and rebirth. However, recent investigations by our top-notch team of truth-seekers have unveiled that not a single member of the band has any traceable lineage to ancient Egyptian deities, let alone the god of the dead.
In an exclusive interview with Born of Osiris’ vocalist Ronnie Canizaro, our cunning and devious reporter managed to wring a confession from the unwitting frontman. “Yeah, I guess we’re not really related to Osiris,” Canizaro admitted with a chuckle. “But it’s just a name, man. It’s all about the music and the vibe, you know?“
This astonishing admission has opened a Pandora’s box of questions surrounding other bands and their potentially fraudulent claims. Does this mean that Iron Maiden has no actual ties to medieval torture devices? Could it be possible that the Red Hot Chili Peppers are not, in fact, spicy legumes? The mind reels at the implications.
Following this scandalous discovery, we reached out to Egyptologist Dr. Amelia Dunsworth for her expert opinion on the matter. “Well, it’s not exactly surprising,” Dr. Dunsworth stated, rolling her eyes. “Osiris is a mythological figure, and it’s highly improbable that any human could claim direct lineage from a deity. But the notion that a modern metal band would genuinely assert such a connection is, quite frankly, hilarious.“
As the story continues to unfold, fans have taken to social media to express their outrage, disbelief, and existential despair. “I feel so betrayed,” tweeted one heartbroken fan. “I bought every album, every t-shirt, even got an Osiris tattoo! How could they lie to us like this? What’s next? Are they going to tell us their music doesn’t actually hold the secrets to eternal life?“
While the band has yet to issue an official statement, whispers of a name change have been circulating, with options like “Born of an Incredibly Elaborate Joke” and “Born of Some Guys Who Just Like Egyptian Stuff” under consideration.
In a world where trust in our musical heroes is crumbling, one can only hope that this bombshell revelation will serve as a wake-up call to other bands, urging them to reevaluate their claims of divine lineage or supernatural powers.