A nation with a deeply-rooted love for arming its citizens is, once again, puzzled by the tragic occurrence of yet another school shooting. Citizens and politicians alike are scratching their heads in genuine bewilderment, wondering how such a tragedy could occur in a land where high-powered weaponry is handed out like Halloween candy to anyone with a pulse and a driver’s license.
“I just don’t get it,” said one baffled citizen, who recently purchased a military-grade rifle at a grocery store alongside her weekly supply of cat food and laundry detergent. “We have so many guns to protect ourselves, and yet these shootings keep happening. It’s a mystery for the ages!“
In a bid to unravel the inexplicable conundrum, a special task force was created by the government, sponsored by none other than the NRA itself. This elite team, comprised of the nation’s top minds, a couple of gun enthusiasts, and a few independent experts, has been working tirelessly, studying this perplexing phenomenon with all the scientific rigor of a fortune teller interpreting tea leaves.
“Based on our extensive research, we’ve concluded that the problem might be violent video games or rap music,” said the lead investigator, who asked not to be named for fear of being labeled a “gun-hating communist.”
Politicians from both sides of the aisle have agreed to ignore the fact that the vast majority of other developed countries, with strict gun control laws, experience significantly fewer mass shootings. Instead, they’ve decided to focus on more pressing matters, such as the appropriate brand of thoughts and prayers to offer during televised press conferences.
“Personally, I’m a fan of ‘Thoughts & Prayers Platinum Edition’,” said one prominent senator, a well-known proponent of doing absolutely nothing in the face of preventable tragedy. “It has that extra special something to show you really care, even when you’re doing absolutely nothing to address the problem.”
As the nation mourns and the debate rages on, experts predict that the country will continue to grapple with this mystifying issue for the foreseeable future, or at least until the next school shooting, when the cycle will inevitably repeat. However, one thing is certain: the country’s steadfast refusal to entertain the possibility that easy access to guns might be a contributing factor to gun violence remains as strong as ever, with the NRA-sponsored task force leading the charge.