Pfizer has announced the creation of a brand new virus, cleverly named “Pfiz-23”. But before you panic, the pharmaceutical giant has already developed a vaccine for the virus, which they assure the public is “just as effective” as the one for the common cold.
According to Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla, the decision to create Pfiz-23 was a “no-brainer”. “We realized that with the current pandemic, people were starting to get too comfortable with not getting sick,” he said in a press conference. “We knew we had to shake things up a bit.”
And shake things up they did. Pfiz-23 boasts a host of unique symptoms, including uncontrollable hair growth, temporary blindness, and the sudden ability to speak fluent Mandarin. “We wanted to make sure that people knew they weren’t just dealing with another run-of-the-mill virus,” Bourla explained.
But perhaps the most impressive aspect of Pfiz-23 is its ability to mutate. According to Pfizer scientists, the virus will change its genetic makeup every few weeks, making it completely resistant to any treatment or vaccine currently on the market. “We wanted to make sure that people kept coming back for more,” said Pfizer spokesperson Jane Smith.
Pfizer’s vaccine for Pfiz-23 will be available in the coming weeks, with the company promising that it will be “just as ineffective” as the flu shot. “We want to make sure that people know that Pfiz-23 is here to stay,” Bourla said.
Pfizer’s announcement has been met with mixed reactions, with some praising the company for their innovative approach to healthcare, while others have criticized them for “playing God” with people’s health.
“I think it’s great that Pfizer is taking such a proactive approach to fighting disease,” said local resident John Doe. “But I’m a little worried about the whole Mandarin thing.”
The creation of Pfiz-23 has also raised concerns about the potential for financial gain for Pfizer. Critics have pointed out that the company will now be able to charge exorbitant prices for both the virus and its corresponding vaccine, with some even accusing them of “monopolizing illness.”
“I can’t believe they’re profiting off of making people sick,” said local resident Jane Michaels. “It’s just immoral.”
In response to these accusations, Pfizer has denied any wrongdoing, stating that the creation of Pfiz-23 is simply a “public service.”
“We’re not in this for the money,” Bourla said in a statement. “We’re in this to make sure that people never forget the importance of good health.”
Pfizer has also announced plans to expand their line of “custom viruses,” with rumors of a virus that causes temporary deafness and another that gives you the ability to communicate with animals in the works.
“The possibilities are endless,” Bourla said with a smile. “And so are the profits.”
