SACRAMENTO, CA – In a shocking revelation, it turns out that the music of Sacramento-based band Deftones is nothing more than a collection of whiny complaints set to heavy, down-tuned guitars.
Fans of the band were shocked to learn that the band’s entire discography, which they had previously believed to be a masterpiece of experimental and heavy rock music, is in fact just a series of angsty musings about unrequited love and not being able to find good coffee in the morning.
“I can’t believe it,” said long-time Deftones fan and professional moper, Jeremy Johnson. “I thought their music was this powerful, emotional force, but it turns out it’s just a bunch of guys complaining about their ex-girlfriends and how hard it is to get a decent cup of joe. I feel like I’ve been duped.”
“I mean, honestly, who cares?” said drummer Abe Cunningham. “We’re just a band, we write music, and if people want to take it as complaining, that’s their prerogative. We’re just going to keep making music, whether or not people understand it.”
Despite the revelation, it’s unclear if the band’s fan base will be affected. Some die-hard fans insist that the band’s music is still powerful and meaningful, while others are canceling their Deftones tattoo appointments and moving on to greener, less whiny pastures.
One thing is for sure, though: Deftones is no longer the band we thought they were. They are just a bunch of guys, moaning over heavy down-tuned guitars. Maybe they always were.
