Selff-proclaimed “alpha male” Andrew Tate is reportedly having a crisis of faith after realizing that the Matrix may not, in fact, be holding him prisoner in Romania.
According to sources close to Tate, the epiphany came when he realized that Keanu Reeves, the star of the Matrix trilogy, had not made a surprise visit to Romania to rescue him from the simulated reality.
“I’ve been waiting for Keanu to come and save me after the Matrix sent its agents to get me,” said a bewildered Tate. “But it turns out he’s too busy making movies to bother with my little Matrix predicament.”
Tate, who has long claimed that he is living in a simulated reality controlled by a nefarious artificial intelligence, has spent his time training in kung-fu and learning to bend spoons in preparation for his eventual liberation by Reeves.
“I thought I was the chosen one, you know? Like Neo,” said Tate. “But I underestimated just how strong the Matrix is.”
The revelation has left Tate questioning everything he thought he knew about the world, and has forced him to confront the uncomfortable truth he is being held for real in a Romanian prison and he won’t be getting out anytime soon.
Despite the crushing disappointment, Tate remains determined to break free from the Matrix, even if it means doing it without the help of Keanu Reeves.
“I’ll do it myself,” said Tate, flexing his spoon-bending muscles. “I’m not afraid of the Matrix anymore. I’m ready to face it head on, and if Keanu Reeves doesn’t want to be a part of it, that’s his loss.”